nights

i wonder if he really noticed; i wonder if he cares...
I run in the night because of horrible memories.
i wanna stay away from the terrible dreams.
he remembers everything; & pays attention to every detail
he ask me why my eyes water up but i wont let the tears fall
he's far deeper than anyone would ever know.
so much knowledge inside & very intellectual.
i would only wish the best for him...
i try to go out my way & surprise him with the things he
cant afford...its only money & i cant take it out this world.
But we end it here cause it could never be more...smh;
the story of my life........it ends here

Blank Stare

Im waitin for a chance to get my word in..
i feel like thats always the case. But maybe i should be
learning from this. Maybe this is a time for me to ignore the ignorance that I DID NOT cause..because i knew we were fine. Im just gonna keep my mouth closed on it. i cant say i dont care cause i do. this is open for everyone to see, comment; so anyone can say what they please. but its not gonna change anything. so talk all you want....the things i live by will not be changed by someones opinion. & i know karma is a bitxh...you cant be happy if all your doing is bringing others pain..it doesnt add up.

Well

I can't lie it does hurt a lil.
But whatever i guess..it was gonna happen one day
"better now then later" right?
I mean you can call it what you want...but i know what was in my heart
& it was nothing but love for you; apparently it wasnt the same on your behalf but we cant change that....sigh...im not mad im not bitter about the way anything went down.. but i can say i have NOTHING holding me back now...free as i wanna be to do whatever i please..& the only thing i want now in life is to be successful. everything isnt gonna be handed to you in life so im searching & i will soon conquer all. i know i will because im to damn ambitious to amount to nothing. Im happy with my life but there's always something more to reach for.

Heard It All Before

she told me she wasn't ever gonna go back
but where is she now..before we talked about how she
& the kids deserved so much better.
She told me she wouldnt raise her kids like that because she had better
It was amazing to watch them grow.
I would see something new everyday & it brought a smile to my face
Nothing can stay the same forever
Maybe she always had this in mind.
Myabe she always wanted to go back to him
I would never be able to fill the gap
But remember I was the one who healed your heart
Do you remember I was the one who was there when you needed me the most
I remember calling in for work because you needed me to be there
Now would can I call to
Who can I watch a movie with in the middle of the day
Who can I miss without secretly being upset your not here
Why you make the decisions you do I'll never know
I'll never try to understand either
Because apparently your thought process is far too complicating
All I wanna know is that the babies are okay.
Everybody was so close before but now we are all slowly breaking down
Used to be an amazing family now we hardly ever talk
I feel like I get phone calls just so I wont be upset
Don't let it be about me now. It was never about me before.
Love Could Never Kill My Dreams
Far TOO Ambitious For BULLSHIT

Lost In Reality

I offend forget that your gone;
I try to call you every now & then but by the time I reach the phone I'll remember.
I hear songs play & your the first thing that comes to mind.
Reggae used to excite me now it makes me cry.
I used to always dream of being able to visit Jamaica with you.
But Poppa we were never able to do that. I loved that place because of you.
Now I have abandoned that half of my life because your not here to be apart of it.
Its so crazy I feel like you were here yesterday...
& in actuality you've almost been gone for almost year.
I dont talk to Juice as much now I just think its best that I distance myself..
She doesnt call like she used to & she hardly answers anymore...
Im tired of trying Poppa..But i know she's lonely because you were the only one who she saw & talked to everyday. I dont want her to be alone.
As I sit here & type this Im crying because I know what I need to do but I cant
because its not what I want to do...
I know maybe I am being selfish but I cant take anymore change now.
All I can do is pray for a new beginning, understanding & success.
I know good things fall apart so better things fall together..& im waiting for my better thing..Im ready for whatever it is.
Just everything seems to remind me that your gone because of the way our lives have changed so much. I miss you more than any words could explain. NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT POPPA...love you

Starting Off

Now it's 4 something in the morning & instead of sleeping like normal people.. Im up writing and saw my roomies blog & was like I should make a blog too.... Always wanted one just never took the time out to make one. Thanks Kandy...check her out too @ http://silentlessons.blogspot.com

Switch of topics..
I've been so lost in music lately but I think it's just making all my inner feelings that I hide; surface..which is exactly what i dont want to happen..i believe i was better off acting as if they didnt exist...but i guess you have to face everything in life whether you want to or not. One thing I can say I am happy about is these emotions that are apparent to me arent being ignored. & I can finally stand back & look at a situation for what it is rather than just I want it to be..
If I come out of this alone I will be a stronger woman cause of the things we went thru..If I come out in the end with you on my side I'll still be a stronger woman but I will have my sense of accomplishment with an amazing man by side to share every beautiful moment with.